Exploits of a Hott Librarian|
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|Thursday, April 30th, 2009|
Tomorrow I fly to Ireland to say goodbye.
I have lost the prettiest girl in the entire world.
Two weeks ago I was in England, telling her this, how beautiful she was.
And she would say "You say the loveliest things."
"I speak the truth, Grandma."
She was lovely, and amazing, and full of life and love. But her heart was also full of pain and worries, and it gave up on her. My mother - who was there in time to be with her Tuesday morning, when she finally passed - told me she looked peaceful. Now she can finally be at peace.
Now, for what seems like the first time, when I fly across the ocean, she won't be there to greet me at arrivals when I get off the plane, to hold me in her arms. It was my favourite part of every trip - her smiling face in the terminal and the awaiting hug. It makes me so thankful for this last trip, which I decided to go on at almost the last minute, when I got to see her meet me like that one last time. I got to spend one last week with her, right before the end. God works in mysterious ways. I was able to build up one final reserve of memories. I got to cuddle with her on the couch, and walk with her back from the grocery store, holding hands in the twilight, and stay up listening to her talk about the many things on her mind that brought her anxiety. But most of all, I got to spend some time with one of the greatest examples of love in my life before she was gone, and I was so grateful for that. Current Mood: sad
|Saturday, February 14th, 2009|
|Dreams can come true...
Today, some one finally gave me peach coloured roses.
...Though that doesn't make it any less complicated... Current Mood: smitten
|Saturday, February 7th, 2009|
|Sometimes we become people we'd never thought we'd be...
One day you wake up and you wonder how you have gotten here.
I've started something I shouldn't have. But now it is over.
But then a day goes by and things don't seem that different and I wonder how much things have really changed...
What it really boils down to is do I really want to give up what I perceive as being a chance at being happy in the long run, even if the circumstance are killing me right now. Because it is a really bad situation to be in, for all parties involved.
I'd rather have something imperfect than nothing at all.
Does this make me a bad person? Current Mood: distressed
|Sunday, October 26th, 2008|
I think I may have done something very stupid.
I just couldn't let him
be the only one, or the last one. And copious amounts of alcohol are always great to mix with a horribly broken heart.
The rebound it a very dangerous place to be. Current Mood: regretful
|Thursday, October 23rd, 2008|
|SHATTERED... or ...Nothing good can last...
It was though the gods of livejournal saw that I has written an entry about being happy, changed my usual emo tune, and couldn't permit. It was too good to be true. It couldn't last. I am not meant to be happy.
I came home to an ambush tonight, and to that old familiar heartbreak, and now I am alone again.
Of course there are reasons. It doesn't stop the fact that this hurts.
I can't even write more about it. I am trying so hard to stop the tears. I just don't understand.
How did it fall apart this fast? How do I ruin everything? Current Mood: depressed
|Monday, October 20th, 2008|
I figured I would try something new and different. I would write an entry that wasn't all sad and emo. Instead, I would write one about a new trend in my life. I am happy. I owe this in large part to a certain person. It is a good thing. And a quite bewildering one at that.
So, the thing is, I think I am falling in love. And not the unrequited sort. I'm not sure quite what to do.
I think this is the part where I bubble over from the sheer joy of it all...such unfamiliar territory...
It's very scary. Current Mood: giddy
|Tuesday, October 14th, 2008|
|I am finally seeing...I was the one worth leaving....
How is it that you find me here, almost six weeks into happiness, and still tear me up like this?
Our fights still work as routine. Everything seemed the same as always - the witty banter at first, the mild flirtation, the ease and comfort of something so familiar. I almost felt guilty.
And then, there it was - an argument rearing its ugly head. My stubbornness; your refusal to back down from such an easy target. The back and forth, the old anger just below the surface. So many old fights just out of reach. But I was too tired, so I surrendered. I gave up and hung up, in a way that I was unable to walk away from you before.
I have something better now. I don't need this any more.
These sincere apologies are coming too late. But it still pangs when you send them - because maybe you're changing too. And maybe it hurts for you to see me moving on and happy. Or maybe that's too much to ask.
(How's that for the over the top, emo bullshit you hate?)
...Fucking emotional cancer... Current Mood: drained
|Tuesday, July 8th, 2008|
|Why Meekie is my homeboy
It's a deeply-rooted loyalty. It's blood. It's love. It's an understanding that you fight for honor and for family; and that I know that deep down, maybe, just maybe, he'd kill for me. Like, back in the day, in the time of knights and chivalry, crossbows and moats, and all the good stuff.
My brother has written someone off, has discounted them as a human being, simply for hurting me, just by overhearing a phone conversation. He doesn't need to know anything more about it; he doesn't care about this individual's merits as a person, doesn't want to know anything more. He - this now subhuman - has caused me pain, and for that he is done. Meekie asks no other questions. His judgement is final, and unforgiving.
Also, someone else has broken our other brother's heart; Meekie wrote her off too. And it's not being callous. It's being loyal. Family is so important to him. You don't hurt the people close to my brother and get away with it. Not without earning his eternal disdain.
I love this boy. He would fight for me, like no one else. He hates to see me get hurt. It's a good thing he doesn't live in the same city as me. Otherwise, he would get into a whole lot of fights with a whole lot of emo boys. Current Mood: grateful
|Sunday, November 18th, 2007|
I had been so strong. For so long. But somethings are just too hard. Or simply not worth it. Oh well. Current Mood: resigned to my fate
|Sunday, September 9th, 2007|
|The Rule-AKA-"This is the grace only we can bestow; this is the price you pay for loss of control.."
And to finish the phrase:
This is the break in the bend
This is the closest of calls
This is the reason you're alone
This is the rise and the fall.
To review, there is one cut and dry rule in my life: "If you are a boy and I care deeply about you, you have free reign to shit all over me."
There was more I was going to say, but now I won't.
Footnote: The song is almost always significant. Current Mood: pessimistic
|Thursday, August 30th, 2007|
|The Choices I have made
I meant to post a few days ago, but then I didn't. Some more stuff went down, and I am feeling, well, full of feelings. Regret. Guilt. Selfishness. Self-satisfaction. Self-sacrifice. Relief. Frustration. Confusion. Hopelessness. Jealousy. Oh yes, always jealousy.
What I was going to say was that I have decided how I am going to live my life. Sort of. My future will not be an especially traditional one. My new plan is/was to enter into an extreme fantasy-like existence, tremendous and ridiculous and beautiful, but not quite real. This does not really make sense, because I will only speak of it in the abstract. But I never make sense when I am giddy, as well as not entirely serious. Oh well. It was enjoyable for about 5 minutes. But then real life came crashing back, and for 24 hours things were very different, and I couldn't figure out how I felt because I felt everything at once, and I wasn't quite sure what I wanted, but it was definitely something I didn't want to want. I hate wanting things. So I took actions to make it more difficult, nay impossible to pursue what I didn't want to want. And now it's fine. Sort of. Always sort of. It's fine for all others involved. It's never really fine for me.
I will one day settle into a life that I will tell myself will make me happy. Once upon a time, telling myself that I felt certain ways or believed certain things worked for me. Maybe one day it will again. Is it bad to hope to be able to delude yourself for the long haul? I have known all along that I would settle. I should be used to this by now.
Meh. Current Mood: drained
|Thursday, August 9th, 2007|
|Decompartmentalization is my Theme Song
Shall we ignore the fact that I not only missed the yearly entry deadline, but I missed it by a long shot. That, and I also attempted to start up a new journal - one specifically about my teaching experiences - in the interim. Judging by my track record, I am sure you can guess how successful I was in maintaining that one too.
I believe in my last entry I made reference to not wanting to think about a certain someone, and how doing so makes me die a little on the inside. Well, after all this time, thinking of that same individual no longer makes me die a little on the inside - no, it makes me die a lot. I am not sure if this is the case because it has been roughly a little over a year since he broke me, or that I think he returns from a trip today, if memory serves. What really kills me is that I can't help but think of him at certain moments. This is the hold he has on me. And the same thing is happening over again. With someone else.
Accordingly, I am breaking my life and my relationships into different pieces again, each serving a specific purpose. Or attempting to do so. Don't worry, I will get splendidly hurt in the process. That's one promise I can make and keep. It is because I cannot handle healthy and complete adult romantic relationships. No surprise there.
So I will continue on, armed with my penchant for preemptive rejection and my unstoppable attraction to that which I cannot have. I am looking forward to the school year starting again, because then I will too busy again to pay any attention to my lack of love life. Current Mood: discontent
|Tuesday, March 7th, 2006|
So, it has officially been over a calendar year since I last updated this sucker. Don't go presuming that I didn't think about doing so at least a few times over the past twelve months...it's just that I'm lazy..oh, and I forgot my password...that, and I just didn't care, perhaps? But here I am again...life is so cyclic sometimes...
The entry below, about the horoscope - the last one I made, back in March of 2005 - I'm chalking that one up to the Barnum Effect. Yeah. Oh vague generalities and Psych of Personality...which makes me think of a person about whom I'd prefer not to think right now...because that makes me die a little on the inside...oh well...
Ug. I don't want my resuming of livejournal posts to be done only to talk about the emotional upheaval that is my non-love life. So instead, I'll simply discuss my lack of gall bladder. Last week, on the 27th of February, I had one of my internal organs removed, via laproscopic surgery. Yum! Now I have some totally bad-ass scars. Though, truth be told, I got them in a knife fight. This gall bladder thing is just a cover up for my extreme affinity for gang fighting. Word.
Well, back to other forms of procrastination, and my otherwise completely ho-hum spring break...
Peace out, for another 360-something days, or so...unless you get lucky and I get even more bored again soon...
PS - Momentarily I'm feeling all sorts of excited about my tentative living arrangement for next year, with none other than my long time boyfriend: Beth Salonia! Current Mood: listless
|Friday, March 4th, 2005|
|I just like updating a lot within five minutes...every few months...OR "I said maybe, baby, please"
I include this mainly because parts of it are so true that it is upsetting. I've had a lot of good conversations with week, many long ones and deep ones, and some significant but painful ones too. Curious and restless? Check! And by "sober and realistic" about love means "pessimistic and hopeless" then that is spot on as well. Bleh.
Pisces Horoscope for 2/28 - 3/6
This week's scenario is highlighted by a nonstop flow of communication between yourself and the people in your immediate environment.
You may engage in interesting and informative discussions or fritter your time away in inconsequential chatter and gossip.
Mental curiosity or restlessness may also impel you to take a short trip or visit.
Also you are feeling sober and realistic about love at this time, and are interested in being with people you respect and can depend upon - your oldest, true-blue friends.
Also, reaching out to an older relative or another mature, experienced person can mean a lot to you and be mutually beneficial now.
This horoscope provided by Astrology Source.
Learn about your inner self, friends, and lovers.
Current Mood: pessimistic
Get your free blog ready horoscope for this week at Blogthings
|I don't refer to this as "exploits of a hott librarian" for nothing...
Officially, I believe, I have been on "spring break" since I handed in my Social Psychiatry midterm exam at roughly 3:30 yesterday afternoon. That was followed by back to back shifts at the Writing Center. Now I am working in the library, covering for a colleague of mine, and will be doing so again tomorrow afternoon before I can finally return to New Jersey. There are still a lot of people about, and since midterms week is drawing to a close, those who remain are still a bit on the frantic side,.
Last night, I was up until roughly 3 AM, having yet another long conversation with a certain someone about how I am (still) in love with him, after staying up until 4 AM the night before, also with him, studying for Sociology. What I have to show for it is this: I am nocturnal, I know a lot about the world of mental illness, and I am heartbroken - perpetually.
Man, I'm such an emo kid.
Well, I must return to checking out books.
Cheers! Current Mood: crushed
|Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005|
|Monday, February 7th, 2005|
|A promise is a promise
So one of my beloved roomies had this up in her livejournal, and I went ahead and asked her four questions to which she was kind enough to respond, so here I am, putting it into my own journal. Ask away, if there is anyone out there actually reading this...
Ask me four questions.
Any four, no matter how personal, private or random.
I have to answer them honestly.
I have to answer them all.
I might not answer them publicly, though.
In turn, you post this message in your own journal and you have to answer the questions that are asked of you.
Cheers! Current Mood: blah
|Yesterday evening's outfit...
Last night found me at a cocktail party in my friends' apartment. I had myself a charming escort, quite a few "Robitussins", and a good time overall. Over the course of the evening, I learned two things from my fashion choices:
1 - I look hott in pink patent leather high heel shoes, even when one of the heels pops off.
2 - Jealousy is not becoming on me.
Thank you and goodnight. Current Mood: guilty
|Sunday, January 9th, 2005|